No! It isn’t meant to end like this. I am not meant to die this way. I haven’t lived, neither have I been loved, even though I loved. Ah! Yes, I loved with everything I had!

I gave my heart out to them all, only to have it stepped on repeatedly. But my heart still kept on beating. I have experienced all the seasons falling in love … and then experienced them getting heartbroken. I know not which season is my best time of the year again.

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Day and night are the same to me. The sun, however bright it shines to others, just looks like a dull ball in the sky. A ball that wants to help me burn away all my pain and sadness. The moon and stars shine down on me – albeit beautiful they are spread across the night sky, all I see are the stars crying for me, while the silver light from the moon illuminates the tears – the silvery tears as they fall to the earth in the hopes of drowning me.

I loved but was never loved in return. Is this how it’s going to end for me?

Are things like “soul mates” and “love at first sight” a myth? Do things like “happily ever after” and “a love that lasts forever” really exist?

Now I feel my soul leaving my body. I am numb to the pain… numb to life. But I don’t want to embrace death, yet! I want to live because where there is life there is hope, right?

My love has to be out there somewhere. I mean, it’s unfathomable that with a population of over 1 billion people, I still end up alone because there is no one for me. That’s even scarier than knowing aliens exist.

Am I to walk this earth alone? Without having felt what it’s like to be loved?

My parents obviously didn’t want me. I guess that’s why I grew up in an orphanage. My friends – although we had wonderful memories – stabbed me in the back at every chance they got. I began to think that I was the problem. Maybe I wasn’t loving had enough!

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I made a name for myself, got a good career, and then the strings of heartbreaks from “lovers” began. And Lord knows I did everything to keep them, to be the perfect person for them. But that didn’t stop me from ending my nights crying, curled up in bed, and drinking ice-cream… Ice-cream really is temporary comfort food… I know this!

Now here I am, about to cross to the afterlife, having lived an empty life!

Is this it? Is this what life is? Just a string of emptiness that one must try to fill? And I tried filling my many voids with many things; Ice-cream, alcohol, love, drugs, more drugs, and yes drugs!

But each time, I was saved by people who later went on to squash my heart. People who only made me look for something stronger to fill the emptiness they left me with.

Is this really it for me? Am I to leave this earth without knowing what love feels like?

*White light closes in… blinding me*

Please, please, I want to stay. I want to know what love is. I know it sounds strange, wanting to stay back in a world that gave me nothing but emptiness, but I really want to. Can I please stay?

No response, huh? Okay, can I, in my next life know what it means to be loved?

A voice: “Yes! … He’s fully conscious now. Page Dr Phil to come check our John Doe out”.

See also: Diary of the Insanely Sane (entry 1)

 

One thought on “Diary of the Unloved (Entry 1)

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