I’m walking to work, my fat self is already sweating and all the war-paint on my ugly face is dripping on my cheap shirt. I’m walking as fast as I can, not because I’m late, but because I’ve got to get away from the eyes. Always staring, always judging, always laughing. I’m itchy under my fitness belt- waist trainer combo, but I can’t scratch lest the eyes think I’m dirty too!
So I’m walking, fast, trying to outrun the sun. I hear footsteps above my anime music and tilt my head and it’s a jogger. A curvy, beautiful, shapely, light-skinned goddess-looking jogger! And oh look, no surprise, she’s looking back with that look I know so well in her eyes: it’s the ‘How the hell are you so unattractive!’ look. Oh no. Can this day get any worse?!
I’m on my 3rd lap. I’ve been jogging for about 2 months now and every day is such a pain in the ass! Of course, I have zero weight-loss goals in mind- I know that Tunde lives on this street and he’s into fitness (Amina even told me that he sometimes leaves work to got to the gym), and I’ve confirmed that he’s single.
So every day I wake up early, shower, put on my oh-so-expensive perfume and go jogging. If Sewa hears that I’ve borrowed her sneakers without washing them again…I look up from my phone and see this stunning lady walking fast with her head bowed. Good lord, her skin is so…incredible! I almost stop and stare, but Tunde might be watching and think I’m tired, so I don’t, but I can’t get her beautiful face out of my head. I keep turning round to steal brief glances and I wonder why she doesn’t look up and why she’s walking so fast: maybe she’s trying to escape all her many admirers.
Sigh. If only I had a fraction of that beauty, I’d say “to hell with this jogging and even Tunde”! But I don’t. So I keep jogging. Hoping. Waiting.
Tunde asked me to leave the house an hour ago because he doesn’t want that Barbie that jogs past every day to see me leaving his house. Wetin concern me? I don collect my own sha! He might be planning to make a move on her soon, and I wish I could warn her. I see her every day, so cute and prim, and tidy, and unmarred, unscarred, and I think ‘Sister! Run! Run far! The devil has set his sights on you!’.
But I can’t, and so, again, I walk past her in all her athletic and feminine glory, on my way to my second job. I dressed outside Tunde’s gate with his gateman’s help –Oga Abu is my friend sometimes- and I used some of that perfume I stole from John on Monday. It’s his fault, he paid less than we agreed! I was going to sell the perfume online- duh, I’d have filled the bottle with water- but it smells so nice.
I’ll keep it and use it, and when I get to work every day, they will know I’m no poor struggling girl, but the cream of the crop! From the corner of my eye, I see this chubby girl walking fast and wonder whether she really thinks she can lose that weight by walking fast.
Lmao! See wetin ajebutter dey cause! Come hustle like me if you no go thin! Fatty bombom. It’s a cruel thought, but it makes me chuckle. Laughter, after all, is the best medicine, no?
By Eghosa Mark